Let’s Talk about What If…? Episode 2-2

This week’s episode poses an interesting question. What if…Peter Quill attacked Earth’s mightiest heroes?

Before you answer, you should know two things. The first is that this version of Star-Lord knows who his father is from a young age.

The second is that the “mightiest heroes” in question aren’t the Avengers you love and love.

To the contrary, Disney has thrown together a ragtag bunch of mismatched heroes and anti-heroes.

They must work together to stop an overpowered eight-year-old in an episode that pays homage to 1980s teen protagonist movies.

So, let’s talk about What If…? episode 2-2, the one where the heroes never surrender.

Waiting for a Star to Fall?

We get ten seconds into the episode before I notice the first budget cut.

The closed captioning displays the lyrics for Waiting for a Star to Fall, but the song is decidedly…not that.

Something must have happened with the music licensing before the episode aired, which is a shame.

The point of that 1980s one-hit wonder was to remind us that Peter Quill is now and always has been a music lover.

Specifically, in this scenario, he’s the star (lord) falling from the sky onto the streets of 1988 New York City.

The military has given chase, and some Air Force missiles have targeted our hero, who is actually the bad guy here.

The premise of this episode is that Yondu never softened in his stance regarding Peter Quill.

Instead, he delivered the boy to his father, Ego, who promptly destroyed the kid’s headphones and shared his plan.

“The Expansion” will seed the, well, seed of Ego throughout the universe. His plan is nearing completion, as we’ll learn.

Some places beyond Midgard have already fallen to the might of Ego the living deity.

For his part, Quill just wants to go home to where his mother raised him, which is Kansas on Earth.

The military assault disrupts those plans, but it’s the leader of the attack whose name will intrigue you.

The leader of Project Pegasus is Peggy Carter, who still works for S.H.I.E.L.D. as its planetary protector.

Joining her in the assignment is her old friend, Howard Stark, who makes one too many absentee father jokes for my liking.

Who Makes the Cut?

The Watcher informs us that the boy is shockingly dangerous, and the episode reinforces this fact by having Quill wreck the locals.

Carter indicates that Quill has already destroyed several planets via cosmic radiation.

The situation is dire, and Peggy informs Stark that they need a team. Enter the Avengers, 1988 Edition!

Stark begins to assemble the Avengers by calling Hank Pym, who immediately hangs up on him.

Sitting nearby is his daughter, Hope, who is conveniently the same age as Quill. That’ll be important later.

Pym makes it clear that he has no interest in helping Stark. Still, this episode paints Pym in a different light.

Remember how often Pym proved to be the villain in season one? Here, he’s a widowed father trying to do better for his kid.

Pym reluctantly agrees to join after Hope Pym shows him the carnage unfolding on television.

Along the way, he encounters Bill Foster aka Goliath. They’re still not friends in this universe.

Joining them are King T’Chaka, father of T’Challa, the Winter Soldier (Bucky Barnes), Thor, and Dr. Wendy Lawson.

In this universe, Lawson has become the equivalent of Captain Marvel (kinda), while Thor mourns the loss of Asgard, which Quill wrecked.

As for the Winter Soldier, Gorbachev wanted to ensure Quill didn’t invade Russia, so he sent Brainwashed Bucky.

Let’s just say that Bucky doesn’t want to be there and isn’t a team player.

His arrival also causes confusion with Stark and Peggy, both of whom knew him pre-Winter Soldier.

Notably, Thor is more of a nihilist in this episode, as he’s in it for revenge and aiming to make an eight-year-old boy suffer.

Take That, Small Child!

 

Really, that’s the strange part of the episode. We watch an amusement park showdown between several adults and a boy.

Yes, said boy is a demigod, but so is Thor. Overall, the combat scenes strike me as overkill.

Their specific intent is to show what Star-Lord could do if he ever took off the training wheels.

From a certain perspective, we witness grown-ups totally terrorize a frightened child running from an abusive father.

Ant-Man sends a swarm of ants after a boy who just wants to ride the Tilt-a-Whirl and get free stuffed animals.

Peter Quill is all of us.

What’s his reward for living the dream of being the only person at an amusement park?

The Avengers of the 1980s lure him into a funhouse and decapitate his furry teddy bear.

There is so much to unpack here.

 

Eventually, Thor ports in and captures the boy. Yay?

They imprison him at a prison facility and debate how to proceed. Thor and Bucky are on Team Child Murder.

I liked this episode a lot on first watch, but it’s not holding up well to closer inspection. Then again, neither does War Games.

 

Speaking of which, Hope Pym is randomly roaming the hallways of a secure military facility as she sings Corey Hart’s Never Surrender.

Hey, we’ve all been there. Anyway, she bumps into Peter, the two of them bond over the power of the Walkman and the tragedy of dead mothers.

Soon afterward, Hope helps Quill escape, which totally would have happened in a 1980s movie like this.

I’m seriously rethinking that pledge of allegiance I took to John Hughes and Steven Spielberg.

The Over-the-Top Fight Scene

 

Ego finally locates his son and mentally messages him, which Quill evades by turning up the volume on the Walkman.

Meanwhile, Ego laments an inability to connect with his child, which is the hidden theme of this episode.

Howard Stark does the same thing by laughing about his abandonment of Tony.

For his part, Hank Pym is really trying, all the while knowing that Janet was the better parent and person.

I half-expect a Hallmark movie ending where all three of them learn the true meaning of parenting. But this episode is more of a shooter.

Ego arrives on Earth, the United States military tries to fight him, and Quill shows up to try to solve his daddy issues.

The 1988 Black Panther sagely suggests they should let the father and son fight, which is what happens.

Eventually, the other Avengers get dragged into the battle, though.

Goliath turns big, Thor gets whupped, and Peggy Carter fires a 50-cal from the top of a tank.

She really is the protagonist of What If…? and the coolest part.

For his part, Ego multiplies into human-sized Ego seeds, which are kinda rock creatures you can punch to bits.

Marvel is always finding new ways for Avengers to smash things without it counting as murder.

Speaking of murder, Bucky Barnes positions himself on the grassy knoll and prepares to take the shot on Peter Quill.

What is the boy doing? He’s sitting at his mother’s grave, talking to the parent he tragically lost, the one he recently learned his father killed.

This episode is insane.

Bucky shows nobility (I guess) by not assassinating an eight-year-old.

Final Thoughts

I haven’t really harped on the true selling point of this episode.

Hank and Hope Pym adopt Quill and give him a family and, later, a pet cat named Goose.

I’m a little annoyed by how callous Wendy Lawson is about giving away her cat, too. Somone needs a lesson in responsible pet ownership.

But the banter of this episode drives the story. After Ego is stopped, everyone celebrates Thanksgiving dinner together.

Thor learns about the glory of light beer, the Winter Soldier is apparently no more, and Thor asks the team to suit up.

These new Avengers are going on another mission. And I’m sure some eight-year-old kid is quite scared.

 

Seriously, I would have given this episode a nine out of ten on first watch.

After repeat viewing, it’s a disconcerting six, and that grade drops each time I think about it a bit more.

Let’s maybe use the ol’ moral compass a bit more, What If…? producers.

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