Let’s Talk about What If…? Episode 2-3

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Yes, I realize that the calendar indicates a date much closer to Spring Break than Christmas.

However, when Disney+ aired the episode of What If…? we’re about to discuss, it was Christmas Eve.

So, Marvel naturally did a Die Hard parody, and I love everyone involved for that thoughtful gift.

Let’s talk about What If…? episode 2-3, the one where they do NOT come out to the coast nor have a few laughs.

What if…Happy Hogan Saved Christmas?

In 1996, an actor-writer leveraged every connection he’d made while being one of the lesser characters in Rudy into a new gig.

This individual wrote the screenplay for Swingers, which turned into an indie sensation.

The film launched the careers of Vince Vaughn, Ron Livingston, director Doug Liman, and writer/co-star Jon Favreau.

In a way, Swingers changed the course of Hollywood in that without it, we never get the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Favreau has since become one of the seminal talents of this generation, a director/producer with a Midas Touch.

For Disney alone, Favreau has directed The Jungle Book, created The Mandalorian, and anchored the MCU.

This episode of What If…? is a glorified love letter to one of the kindest, most respected, and most gifted people in Hollywood.

What If…? episode 2-3 is just Favreau’s Happy Hogan living out a John McClane fantasy as the person who saves Avengers Tower.

This is legitimately one of my favorite Marvel stories ever, and it’s that much better because it comes from such a loving place.

The Setting

Picture, if you will, Avengers Tower during a holiday party.

Since the Avengers are away saving the day elsewhere, a terrorist attack must be thwarted by Tony Stark’s driver, Happy Hogan.

We fracture time before that story begins, though. At first, we witness various Avengers like Iron Man and Black Widow fighting…something.

I immediately identify this character as Happy Hogan after taking some gamma radiation, which ruins the later surprise for me.

However, I’ve since realized that Hogan isn’t Hulking out in this episode. Instead, he’s pretty much Happy Abomination.

I just love the linguistics of that. It feels like a national holiday. Happy Abomination, everyone!

How did Hogan turn into a hideous monster? Well, he was the only one on the clock today.

Okay, that’s not technically correct. A young intern named Darcy is also helping with the holiday party plans.

Darcy stubbornly insists on calling Hogan by his codename of Puffin-2, which isn’t helping his mood any.

The two of them semi-playfully bicker – I’m pretty sure he hates her – before Happy sends her on a wild good chase.

We learn that Maria Hill is holding Hogan accountable for everything happening at Avengers Tower that night.

Right on cue, world’s greatest living actor Sam Rockwell appears as his cartoonish MCU villain, Justin Hammer.

So, we can easily deduce that Hammer has plans to steal Stark Tech since Hammer Tech tends to break.

The Heist

The Watcher informs us that “maybe this is the story of how Justin Hammer stole Christmas.”

Given the core competence of Justin Hammer, that outcome strikes me as unlikely.

Still, I’m here for Rockwell doing his best Hans Gruber impression.

Right on cue, Gruber-Hammer appears at the party and threatens dozens of guests. Ho-ho-ho, his associates have machine guns.

How is Gruber-Hammer able to invade Avengers Tower so easily?

Someone – it was Happy – turned off J.A.R.V.I.S. for five minutes, thereby taking the security system offline.

Gruber-Hammer hacks the system and now controls all the Ironbots. He also plans to inject himself with gamma serum.

Of course, to do that, the terrorists must crack a vault.

It’s straight outta the Die Hard playbook, as is Hogan jumping into an elevator shaft.

Maria Hill is apparently the Bonnie Bedelia here, as she corners Hammer.

Before that battle plays out, Hogan finds himself in the vault, surrounded by dudes with machine guns.

So, Hogan takes the serum and turns into Happy Abomination. I love that guy!

Hulkamania Runs Wild

I should add that Hogan didn’t mean to take the serum. The needle fell into his leg, which strikes me as a design flaw.

You really should need to put some sort of child safety lock on the Hulk serum.

Anyway, before Hogan realizes he’s an Abomination now, he calls Black Widow and asks for help.

She’s on a catwalk squaring off against an assassin with 17 – no, wait, 18! – kills. She brags that Nigeria was her, too.

Black Widow casually promises, “See you at the party.”

Hogan then tries to contact Santa Stark, who is holding court at some children’s event.

Stark cannot speak because (and I quote), “Soccer moms are cornering Cap.” Whoever wrote that joke, I love you.

Hogan realizes that his arms are…swelling.

So, he quickly makes one desperate call to Hawkeye, who is too busy trying to score an Iron Man doll as a Christmas gift.

At this point, an Ironbot discovers Happy’s hiding place. So, the driver…breaks the Ironbot’s face. Happy Hogan is scary now.

Still, Happy Abomination is a kind of Smart Hulk, at least at this point. He comes up with a viable plan.

If Darcy can bring J.A.R.V.I.S. back online, the two of them can disable the other Ironbots, although I’m pretty sure Happy can do that anyway.

Hey, remember how John McClane does that death-defying leap in Die Hard?

Yeah, Happy does that, too, only he goes Full Abomination in the process. He ain’t Happy no more.

Eventually, we reach the unlikely moment where Hammer has captured Darcy and Maria and awaits Happy’s arrival.

Hogan doesn’t exit the elevator, though. Instead, he breaks a hole in the floor and climbs up, surprising everyone.

Then, Happy Abomination breaks everything in sight, including several bad guys and Ironbots.

A Lousy Christmas Gift

What does Happy get for his heroics?

Hammer’s machine gun-toting allies abandon him, forcing him to retreat to the Avengers armory.

Hogan asks Darcy and Maria to work on rebooting J.A.R.V.I.S. Meanwhile, he breaks dozens more Ironbots.

This day seems really expensive for Tony Stark.

Speaking of which, Hammer plays his hole card, summoning a Hulkbuster suit.

He and Happy Abomination start feuding, by which I mean breaking everything in sight.

During the distraction, Darcy control-alt-deletes her way to rebooting J.A.R.V.I.S.

Just as Happy Abomination finally breaks the Hulkbuster armor, the Avengers show up.

They quickly jump to the wrong conclusion as Tony Stark believes that Happy is “eating my suit.”

Impressively, the Avengers quickly disable Happy, who informs Natasha of his identity.

Hilariously, she gives him another electric shock just to be sure. It’s a tough day to be Happy Hogan, hero of Avengers Tower.

On the plus side, he does bark at Justin Hammer in a way that forces the villain to fall out from the tower, Gruber-style.

Hogan saves him, explaining, “It’s Christmas, Hammer. Goodwill towards men. Even the bad ones.”

Fittingly, Jon Favreau’s Happy Hogan demonstrates kindness to the very end.

After the heroes leave to celebrate the holiday the way they’d intended with the party, Thor arrives.

Then, he and The Watcher combine to wish the viewer of Merry Christmas. The humor is silly and broad and somehow perfect.

This episode was a lovely holiday treat…that I didn’t watch until late January.

Next year, this episode will be required Christmas Week viewing, though.

I absolutely loved it. Ten out of ten. Best What If…? ever!

 

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